SAN FRANCISCO — In a press conference that sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman admitted Tuesday that the company’s highly anticipated artificial general intelligence breakthrough was, in fact, “just some guy behind a curtain this whole time.”

The revelation came after an investigative journalist accidentally wandered into the wrong server room and discovered 34-year-old Derek Mullins, a philosophy major from Portland, frantically typing responses while surrounded by an elaborate system of pulleys, levers, and a single potted fern he insisted “helps him think.”

“Look, we were going to tell everyone eventually,” Altman said, adjusting his fleece vest nervously. “Derek’s been doing great work. He’s incredibly fast at Googling things and has this really confident tone when he types. That’s basically AGI, right?”

Mullins, who has reportedly been living in the server room since 2019, expressed relief that his role had finally been made public.

“Do you know how hard it is to sound like a robot while also being insightful about the human condition?” Mullins asked, gesturing to the 47 empty Red Bull cans surrounding his workstation. “I once had to write a haiku about corporate synergy at 3 AM. That takes a toll on a man.”

According to sources familiar with the matter, the company had considered revealing the truth earlier but decided against it after discovering that the farce had already attracted $14 billion in investment capital.

“The investors are actually pretty chill about it,” noted one anonymous board member. “As long as Derek keeps his turnaround time under 200 milliseconds and occasionally says something vaguely threatening about the future of humanity, we’re golden.”

Microsoft, which has invested heavily in the partnership, released a statement saying they were “aware of the situation” and that it “changes nothing about our strategic vision,” which sources confirm is just a laminated card that reads “Keep doing whatever this is.”

When asked about the implications for artificial intelligence research more broadly, Altman shrugged and noted that at least Derek is “technically carbon-based,” which he argued was “basically biological AI if you think about it.”

Mullins, meanwhile, has reportedly requested a raise and an actual window.

At press time, Google had announced plans to acquire Derek for $2.3 billion.