CHICAGO — Meridian Solutions Group, a Fortune 500 enterprise software company, has announced the successful completion of its highly publicized “AI Transformation Initiative,” which internal documents obtained by Banishing Gradients reveal consisted primarily of adding the phrase “AI-Powered” to existing marketing materials.
“This is a historic moment for Meridian,” CEO Robert Chambers declared at a company-wide town hall. “After two years and $47 million in consulting fees, we have successfully transformed into an AI company. Our products now leverage artificial intelligence to deliver the exact same functionality they delivered before, but with significantly updated branding.”
The transformation, which was overseen by McKinsey & Company, reportedly involved the following changes:
- Adding “AI” to the company’s logo
- Deploying a customer service chatbot that, after three rounds of questions, directs users to call the same phone number they would have called anyway
- Creating a new webpage titled “AI Solutions” that links to existing products
- Firing the data entry team and rehiring them as “AI Trainers”
- Placing a small “✨AI-Enhanced✨” badge on features that use Excel formulas
“The transformation has exceeded all expectations,” said Chief Digital Officer Sandra Kim. “Customer perception studies show that 73% of clients now believe our products use AI. Before the transformation, that number was 71%. That’s a two-point increase in perceived innovation.”
Internal employees expressed varying levels of enthusiasm about the changes.
“They gave me a new title,” reported Mark Johnson, who was previously a software developer. “I’m now a ‘Machine Learning Engineer.’ I’m doing the exact same work I was doing before. Same codebase, same bugs, same coffee machine that’s been broken since 2019. But now I’m in AI, so I guess that’s pretty cool.”
The customer service chatbot, marketed as “ARIA: Artificial Response Intelligence Agent,” has been particularly celebrated by company leadership.
“ARIA represents the pinnacle of our AI capabilities,” Chambers explained. “She can answer dozens of customer questions, as long as those questions are ‘What are your business hours?’ or ‘Can I speak to a human?’”
According to usage statistics, 94% of customer interactions with ARIA end with the customer requesting to speak with a human representative. The company has classified this as “successful handoff to human expertise” rather than “chatbot failure.”
When asked what the AI specifically does, product managers struggled to provide concrete answers.
“It’s woven throughout the product experience,” said one product lead who requested anonymity. “Like, when you click a button, AI is happening. Somewhere. We’re not entirely sure where. The consultants said there would be AI, so presumably there is AI. Look, we spent $47 million. There has to be AI somewhere.”
The McKinsey consultants who led the initiative have since moved on to other clients, leaving behind a 400-page “AI Strategy Document” that multiple employees described as “word salad that mentions ‘synergy’ a lot.”
Competitors have expressed concern about falling behind Meridian’s AI capabilities.
“We’ve seen what Meridian has done, and frankly, we’re worried,” admitted a rival company’s CEO. “We need to accelerate our own AI transformation immediately. Our marketing team is already working on mockups for an ‘AI’ badge we can add to our website. We refuse to be left behind.”
At press time, Meridian’s stock price had increased 15% following the announcement, with analysts upgrading the company from “Hold” to “They Said The AI Word Several Times.”