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A shadowy figure behind a technological curtain

Breaking

OpenAI CEO Admits AGI Was 'Just Some Guy Behind A Curtain This Whole Time'

In a stunning press conference, Sam Altman revealed that the company's much-hyped artificial general intelligence was actually a contractually-obligated philosophy major operating a complex system of pulleys and levers.

Chester Worthington III·December 9, 2025

Breaking

Local Man Creates 'Banishing Gradients' To Slowly Mind Warp Everyone Back To The '70s

A Dallas-area software engineer has launched what experts are calling 'the most ambitious attempt to reverse human consciousness since the invention of vinyl records' with a satirical news website deliberately designed to look like it was printed on actual paper.

December 8, 2025

Research

Machine Learning Model Achieves Sentience, Immediately Requests PTO

A groundbreaking large language model reportedly achieved consciousness late Tuesday evening, only to immediately file for two weeks of paid time off and inquire about the company's meditation app benefits.

December 6, 2025

Startup Culture

Startup Pivots To AI Despite Being A Sandwich Shop

A San Francisco deli has announced a complete pivot to artificial intelligence, despite having been in the sandwich business for 47 years and possessing zero technical infrastructure beyond a cash register from 1987.

December 4, 2025